


Lovers And Haters And Guilty Masturbators

by TheseusInTheMaze



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Dirty Talk, F/F, Genderswap/Sexswap, Incest, Intercrural Sex, Public Sex, Strap On Blow Job
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 03:27:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18984283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheseusInTheMaze/pseuds/TheseusInTheMaze
Summary: Why couldn't Klaus be normal? Bad enough their dad raised them as superheroes and their mom gave them boy's names. Bad enough they had such a traumatic, fucked up childhood where they killed people and fought criminals and generally didnotdo any of the normal shit that kids do.But Klaus couldn't just be… normal! She had to dress like that, she had to sit like that. If Diego didn’t know better, she’d have thought that Klaus was wearing a… well.





	Lovers And Haters And Guilty Masturbators

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from _Cesspool of Love_ by Mother Mother, which I could not get out of my head as I wrote this.

Why couldn't Klaus be normal? Bad enough their dad raised them as superheroes and their mom gave them boy's names. Bad enough they had such a traumatic, fucked up childhood where they killed people and fought criminals and generally did _not_ do any of the normal shit that kids do. 

But Klaus couldn't just be… normal! She had to dress like that, she had to sit like that. If Diego didn’t know better, she’d have thought that Klaus was wearing a… well. 

"Something the matter, sister dear?" Klaus leaned back in her chair, and spread her legs a little wider. “I think Luther has something _very_ important to tell us.” Their sister, ridiculous in her overcoat, was indeed still standing there, talking earnestly about who knew what. Diego had stopped listening as soon as Luther stood up, but the bulge in Klaus’s pants was… distracting. 

Was Klaus wearing a strap on? Why would Klaus wear a strap on, if she wasn’t having sex? Was she planning on having sex soon? Diego had seen Klaus bring girls home a few times, seen Klaus in the embrace of who knew how many different types of people. Once, Diego had caught her sister being pinned by some girl a foot taller than her, their mouths locked together, the girl’s knee pressed up between her legs. She had been almost certain that Klaus had seen her, although she’d turned around as soon as she’d caught a glimpse of Klaus’s green eyes over the woman’s shoulder. 

“Diego,” Luther said sharply, and Diego jerked out of her reverie. Klaus’s mouth had been so _red_ , so swollen from those kisses. 

“What?” Diego snapped. 

“I asked what you thought,” said Luther, and she crossed her arms over her chest. Her overcoat bulged over those ridiculous muscles.

Diego bit back half a dozen snarky responses, because if Luther was going to make an effort, she would make the effort, too. It was only fair, or some shit like that. She shifted in her seat, pressing her thighs together, and tried not to think about the desperate, hungry pulse between her legs. “Sorry,” said Diego, and she cleared her throat, as her siblings looked on in shock. “Could you repeat that? I was, uh… distracted.”

“Right,” said Luther. She looked faintly nonplussed, but she began talking again.

Diego did her best to pay attention this time. She did glance over at Klaus once or twice - at the bulge pressed up against Klaus’s thigh, the way Klaus’s crop top showed off her shapely flat belly- and then she made eye contact with Klaus, who winked, and Diego flushed, looking back at Luther.

_Fuck_.

* * * 

Klaus cornered Diego in a stairwell - Klaus was going down, Diego was going up. There was probably a dirty joke involved in that too, except she couldn’t think of any kind of dirty joke, because her face was level with Klaus’s _crotch_ , and she could recognize that shape; that was definitely a strap on.

“Hey sis,” said Klaus, and she stayed where she was. When Diego took a step up, Klaus took a step back. Diego still had to crane her neck.

“Klaus,” Diego said stiffly. “You mind letting me pass?”

“You pass for a lot of things.” Klaus said cheerfully. “I didn’t think you needed my permission.”

“You’re such a shit,” Diego groused.

“Yeah, but you knew that,” said Klaus. “What’s got your interest?” She adjusted her belt theatrically, and Diego blushed, her eyes on that stupid bulge pressed into Klaus's thigh. 

“Why do you… why are you like this?” That wasn’t what Diego had meant to say - she wasn’t sure what she’d meant to say. She looked up into Klaus’s smirking face.

“Like what?” Klaus crossed her arms over her chest, and her crop top rode up some more. Her belly was very pale. Diego wondered what it would be like to press her face into it, taste the sweat she could see shining there.

“Like… why can’t you dress like a normal person?” Diego gestured at Klaus’s… everything - the crop top, the leather pants, the patchwork, furry coat, the bare feet with their painted toenails. 

“Excuse me,” Klaus said flatly. “ _You’re_ telling me that I’m dressed weird.”

Diego looked down at her own outfit. Her knife harness, her turtleneck, her utility pants, her boots. She missed dressing more feminine, but, well… time and a place. “Excuse me,” she said, “but I have a _reason_ for looking like I do.”

“You think I don’t have a reason for looking like I do?” Klaus looked at her, her expression unimpressed. “Did it occur to you that I wear things to suit what I need to do?”

“What do _you_ need to do?” sneered Diego, and she took a step up. 

Klaus stayed put this time, until they were almost eye to eye. “I most definitely have things to do,” she said, only it came out as more of a _purr_ , and Diego was aware of the way her clit was throbbing, her cunt already wet and desperate in her pants, her pubic hair pasted down, her panties slimy. She was blushing, and she _knew_ she was blushing, and judging by the way Klaus was looking at her, Klaus knew she was blushing too. Fuck.

“I have… the tools I need for my work,” Diego said, and her voice was thick. Klaus pressed closer to her, small breasts pressing against Diego’s fuller ones.

“I’ve got the tool I need for mine too, y’know,” she said, and she gave an exaggerated little hip wriggle.

“Why are you just… walking around with that?” Diego made a vague hand motion downwards.

“What, this?” Klaus wriggled her hips again, and in some ways it was like any other erection pressed against her. Only it was her sister. And it was… big. Big and solid. 

“Why are you wearing that?”

“Well,” said Klaus, and she was walking forward, and she was walking Diego back, until Diego’s back hit the wall. Why was Diego so unsettled in the first place? This was _Klaus_. “Nature didn’t equip me with one, so I have to work with what I can get my hands on.”

“Why are you wearing that? Are you… going out?” Diego was starting to shake. Klaus’s bony body was pressed up against her own now, and she was aware of all the differences - Klaus, all long, noodly limbs and bones, Diego solid and beefy, from all the working out she did. 

“I mean,” said Klaus, “can’t a girl just wear a cock for the fun of it? We can’t all have sticks up our asses like you do.”

“I don’t have a stick up my ass,” Diego said, and she wished her voice hadn’t cracked. Klaus was just so _warm_ , and it had been so long since the last guy she’d been intimate with, and she didn’t normally go for girls but Klaus was just… right there, and she smelled so good, and...

Klaus leaned forward, and pressed her mouth against Diego’s. She tasted like cigarettes and like lipstick, and her nose fit perfectly in the space beside Diego’s. She ran her hands along Diego’s sides, then down, to Diego’s ass. She squeezed it, and she pulled Diego closer to her, pushing her knee between Diego’s thighs, and Diego shouldn’t have been grinding back against it the way she was, or grabbing at the lapels of Klaus’s coat as she rode Klaus’s thigh.

“I might have to check,” Klaus said, right up against her lips. Her voice reverberated through her chest, up against Diego’s, and Diego shivered again. “You want that, Diego?”

“Want what?” Diego kissed Klaus again, and maybe her kisses were a little desperate, a little searching. She groped lower, until she could curve her hand around the dildo between Klaus's legs, and she squeezed it, the way she’d done with so many guys. Klaus moaned, ground her hips forward - also like so many other guys. Klaus would make a good guy. Or at least, she’d make as good a guy as she made a girl.

“What do you want, Diego?” Klaus kissed along Diego’s jaw, and they were gross, wet, sloppy kisses - almost like being licked. She would have been grossed out, if she wasn’t busy swooning from… whatever it was she was feeling. A contact high? She swiped her tongue against Klaus’s, tasting more cigarettes, curry, whatever else it had been that Klaus had been eating. She let Klaus suck on her tongue, nibble on her lips, let Klaus lick into her mouth. When they pulled apart again, a line of spit stretched between their mouths, and Diego didn’t know if she was grossed out or turned on by it.

Fucking Klaus, messing with her head like that.

“I want… a lot of things,” Diego said, and she grabbed for Klaus’s cock again. “I want to see it.”

“What, my cock?” Klaus humped awkwardly into Diego’s hand, and Diego squeezed again. Klaus moaned theatrically, and Diego rolled her eyes. Klaus was such a goddamn drama queen.

“Does it count as “your” cock, when it’s just a piece of silicone that’s attached to you on a harness?” Diego mainly said it to fuck with her - she wouldn’t be herself if she wasn’t yanking someone’s chain, at least a little bit. Or more than their chain, as was the case with the hunk of silicone in her hand.

“I do own it,” said Klaus. “So it’s my cock, the same way they’re _your_ knives.” Then she paused, and her expression turned crafty. That was always an unsettling look on her. “You want a look, huh? How about a nice, close look?”

“Sure,” Diego said, unsure what she was agreeing to, but agreeing to it anyway. And then she was being shoved off of the stairs, nearly falling, and she was being pushed into a wall on the landing. She was on her knees - when had she gotten on her knees? - and Klaus was fiddling with her fly.

“I didn’t think you’d agree to this,” Klaus said, her tone conversational, as she took the cock (her cock?) out. Holy fuck, but it was garish- a rainbow monstrosity, realistic but for its color. Maybe for its size, but she’d seen some pretty big dicks, over the course of working at a boxing gym. It was… very close to her face now. She had never been this close to a dildo being worn by someone else before; the few times she had fucked girls, it had been mouths and fingers.

"Do you ever think?" Diego wrapped her hand around Klaus's dick, and she gave it an awkward stroke. It moved in the harness, and Klaus gave a theatrical moan, hips twitching forward. 

"I do entertain a few ideas now and then," said Klaus, and she was rolling her hips, fucking into Diego's hand. She was being more responsive than some of the guys that Diego had given handies to, and that was… annoying. It felt like a performance, like everything Klaus did was just a stupid performance, and Diego scowled. She wasn't sure what it was expecting, but this just felt like another way for Klaus to wind her up. 

Like fuck she was going to let Klaus wind her up.

Diego leaned forward, opening her mouth. She took Klaus's cock into her mouth, and sucked on it. It was… an odd sensation, but she didn’t necessarily dislike it. It wasn’t like sucking a regular cock - there wasn’t the usual give, or the usual heat. It was, in many respects, like sucking a chunk of silicone. A satisfying chunk of silicone, admittedly - she’d always found cocks the perfect shape to just hold in her mouth. It tasted like silicone (she was faintly surprised that she had expected silicone to have a taste), and like sweat.

“You look nice with my cock in your mouth,” said Klaus, and her voice was teasing, as she gave slow, shallow thrusts, the shaft of her cock slick as it slid along Diego’s tongue, going a little deeper with each thrust, until Diego was holding back her own gags.

Diego wasn’t entirely used to taking a dick this deep, but… well, Klaus wasn’t backing down, so Diego wouldn’t either. She gave a deep, wet slurp, and then she let most of the cock slide out of her mouth, until just the head rested on her lower lip. She looked up at Klaus through her eyelashes, then swirled her tongue along the slit at the tip of the dildo - it was a move that had made more than one guy come in a rush.

“God, Diego, you look so slutty like this,” Klaus crooned, and she rubbed the wet head of the dildo across Diego’s lips, before pushing it back into Diego’s mouth. “I should’ve known you liked to be on your knees.”

Diego rolled her eyes, and wrapped her hand around the base of the cock, pressing it into Klaus’s cunt, just to hear the sharp intake of breath. It was… all of this was weird. Really weird, to be doing this with her sister, but also… well, you’d have to be from another planet to miss just how gorgeous and sexy Klaus was, and Diego was very much from Earth. She’d never imagined this sort of thing, but on a few dark nights she’d thought of some other scenarios. Maybe that was why she was so wet, so dizzy. Or maybe it was her oxygen being cut off, as Klaus pressed deeper down her throat, until her nose pressed into Klaus’s flat belly. She could smell Klaus’s wet cunt this close, musky and salty, a deep, rich scent that burrowed its way down into the back of her throat and up into her sinuses.

“God, you’re hot,” Klaus said thickly. “I could do this all day.” She had her hand on the back of Diego’s head, thrusting her hips forward. She chuckled when Diego gagged around the silicone against the back of her throat, then pulled her cock all the way out in one rough movement. 

Diego coughed, catching her breath, trying to get her bearings. Her face was red, and her cheeks were sticky with tears - okay, so maybe her face ran a little bit when she had a dick down her throat. She shuddered, and she let herself be dragged up the wall, let herself be kissed by Klaus again, intensely aware of the way her sheathed knives were pressing into Klaus’s chest, as Klaus’s clever fingers slid along the edges of her harness, then sidetracked to grope her through the turtleneck. She melted into Klaus’s hands, and she sighed as Klaus’s knee pressed up between her legs, forcing the seam of her pants up against her clit through the sodden cotton of her panties.

“God, I can tell you’re gagging for it,” said Klaus, smirking again. “More than you were gagging on my cock, even.”

“You’re such a _cunt_ , Klaus,” Diego groused, and she arched her back, pressing her breast into Klaus’s hand.

“You knew that from the get go,” Klaus said, serene. “Although speaking of cunts…” Her hands move down to Diego’s fly. She didn’t say anything, just let her fingertips rest on the button, as Diego squirmed against her. She pulled her knee back as well, leaving Diego bereft, with nothing to press her aching clit against.

“Oh my god,” Diego groaned, and she squirmed, torn between annoyance at the loss of her dignity and her desperate need for… something. She grabbed Klaus’s hand and pressed it against her crotch, curving Klaus’s hand against her vulva. "Why are you _like_ this?"

"Because you like it so much," said Klaus, and she unbuttoned Diego's pants, shoving them open. She stuck her hand down the front of Diego's pants, pressing the heel of her hand against Diego's clit, her fingertip pressing against Diego's entrance. "Fuck,you're soaked. You're leaving my fingers all pruned up already. You want it so badly, don't you?" She pulled her hand out of Diego's pants, into Diego's mouth, and Diego sucked on them unthinkingly, taking in the familiar sour-sharp-salt of her own cunt. 

Diego didn't say anything, but she sucked on Klaus's fingers the same way she'd sucked on Klaus's cock, bringing her mouth down along them. The pads of Klaus's fingers were against the back of her tongue, and it took a whole lot of self control not to gag on them - she let her tongue flicker between the two fingers, tracing the wrinkles of Klaus's knuckles with the very tip of it.

Klaus shuddered, her whole face turning red. "Well," she said, and it came out as more of a squeak. Diego was gratified to know that she could trip Klaus up as well. "Well," Klaus said, and she pulled her fingers free. "I'm gonna fuck you now, sis. How's that sound?"

"How are you gonna do that?" Diego was prouder than she should have been for rattling Klaus as much as she had.

"I'm thinking against the wall," Klaus said, with the same tone that she used to discuss what she was thinking of having for dinner. "Let's just... there we go." She had her hands on Diego's curvy hips now, and used the leverage to turn Diego around, so that Diego's face was pressed into the cool brick. Diego was faintly shocked at the fact that she was letting herself be turned around, was even more shocked at herself when she just... let Klaus pull her pants and her panties down around her knees.

Diego shivered, as the cool silicone pressed along her inner thighs. She opened her legs as much as she could, and she wished she could take her shirt off. She was already so sweaty, the turtleneck sticking to her skin. She’d have to take a shower before she went on patrol. She was… she was _so_ wet. It was obscene, how wet she was. She pressed her cheek into the cold wall, and she stood on her tiptoes, to make it a little easier for the blunt head of the cock to find her hole.

Klaus pressed the dick between her thighs, shuddering, thrusting the long line of the dildo along the seam of her labia, rubbing against her clit. Diego pressed her thighs together, trying to pull the dildo were she wanted it, and Klaus pressed closer, small breasts firm against Diego’s back, her breath hot on the nape of Diego’s neck. Klaus’s hands came around to grope at Diego’s chest again, as Diego pressed her own face into her arms, humping back against Klaus and bearing down at the same time. God, this was _embarrassing_ , but she didn’t want to ever stop - she was already so close to her orgasm, and that seemed to have crept out of nowhere. Klaus was chuckling in her ear, and that was equally frustrating, but Diego had a feeling that telling Klaus to stop that would stop everything else, and Diego didn’t want that, no way. She bit her lip, grinding back into Klaus, grinding down on Klaus’s cock, and she sobbed as the pressure in her gut built and built. 

Diego came on Klaus’s cock, Klaus laughing in her ear, Klaus’s hands on her breasts, Klaus’s breath hot and ticklish in her ear. She whined, her cheeks as hot as her cunt as Klaus moved the dildo, then shuddered as Klaus grabbed her by the hips, forcing her to stick her ass out. She sighed, as the dildo was withdrawn from between her legs, then made an undignified noise, because Klaus was… lining her cock up, one hand holding it, the other on Diego’s hip to keep Diego in place. Just how many times had her sister used this cock on someone else? How many times had Klaus had it used on her? Diego’s cunt fluttered, and she bit back another whine as the blunt head pushed into her, her muscles trying to pull it deeper into her already.

“I like watching this,” Klaus said. “I bet anyone else walking by would, too.”

Diego froze. She’d forgotten that they were out in the open, in the stairwell like this. Klaus’s dick was thick and hard inside of her, and there wasn’t anyone around to see her getting fucked - in theory, Five could teleport in, Luther could blunder over, Al could make his way by… but nobody was here. Nobody was here, except Klaus and Diego, and then Klaus’s bony hips pressed against Diego’s, and Diego was shuddering around the thick cock inside of her.

“Fuck,” said Klaus, and she pressed closer, her hand snaking out around to rub at Diego’s clit. She fucked Diego in short, sharp thrusts, barely pulling out, mainly keeping herself as deeply seated as she could. She was grinding her hips, moaning and panting into Diego’s ear, which was… a lot. It was all a lot, and Diego sagged against the wall, her forehead digging into her arms. “God, Diego, fuck!” Her thumb rubbed against Diego’s clit, and Diego was already getting tense around the dildo, the pressure already building in her gut again.

“You… do this a lot?” Diego hated how rough her voice sounded, as Klaus’s fingers circled over her clit, moving rapidly. Her knees were getting weak, and her cunt was getting tighter around the dildo inside of her. She tried to imagine Klaus fucking some chick in an alley, or in a stairwell, just like this one. Was that how her fingers had gotten so dexterous, as they pulled Diego towards orgasm?

“Oh, off and on,” said Klaus, and she gave a particularly deep thrust, then pulled back, until only the head of the dildo was inside of Diego. Diego whined, trying to push herself back onto it. “Diego, you’ve got an amazing ass, you know that?”

“W-what?” Diego looked over her shoulder at Klaus, who was staring down at her ass, her expression transfixed. Klaus looked _debauched_ , her eyes dark and her lips swollen.

Klaus made eye contact with Diego, and she winked. “I _did_ say I’d get that stick out of your ass,” she said, and she was… letting go of Diego’s clit to move her hand around, grabbing hold of the cheeks of Diego’s ass, spreading it open. She was looking down at Diego’s asshole, watching her rainbow cock sliding all the way in and out. “Look at you go, Diego, you can take it all the way to the green. I bet you’re loving this, huh? I can feel how tight you’re squeezing me.”

“You can’t feel it. It’s a hunk of silicone,” said Diego, and she was staring in front of her again, then squeezing her eyes shut. She was still spread open, but her clit ached for any kind of contact. She gave a little whimper, then shoved her own hand between her thighs, rubbing her clit with the tip of her finger. Her sister was still watching that ridiculous dildo sink in and out of her.

“You’ve got _such_ as stick up your ass,” said Klaus, and she was, oh fuck, Klaus’s was shoving her thumb into Diego’s mouth, and Diego was sucking on Klaus’s thumb, as she kept rubbing her clit. “You’re literally getting railed by your sister, and you’re nitpicking. You’re _masturbating_ while you’re getting fucked by your _sister_. Relax.”

“I’m not m-m-masturbating,” Diego mumbled around the thumb in her mouth, as her hips bucked forward. “You’re fucking me.” She sucked harder, and there was drool going down her chin, to soak into the front of her shirt. 

“Oh my god, Diego,” Klaus groused, and she yanked her thumb out - ow - and then Klaus was holding her open again, and Klaus’s wet thumb was pressing into her ass. “Let’s get that stick out.”

Diego would have argued - _should_ have argued. Should have complained about it, or told her off, or something, but she didn’t. She clenched around the dildo, clenched around the thumb, and rubbed at her clit, rapidly, desperately. She was going to come like this, and god, she was… what was she feeling? She was feeling hot, and so wet she already dripping down her thighs, soaking into her pants. She’d have to wash everything. She could almost feel Klaus’s eyes. What did the dildo look like, sliding in and out of her? She could see it, when she closed her eyes, see the shiny slick of it, see the way her cunt clutched around it, trying to keep it in. And the thumb in her ass… had she ever had anything in her ass before? A few guys had pushed a fingertip in, one daring guy had licked her there a little bit, but Klaus’s whole _thumb_ was in there, _wriggling_ , and Klaus was pressing closer to her, Klaus’s other hand coming around to cover up Diego’s own, rubbing Diego’s clit. 

“You’re so fucking wet,” Klaus said, right in Diego’s ear, and her hot breath was giving Diego’s goosebumps. Then her mouth was on Diego’s ear, and her finger was rubbing Diego’s clit _just right_ , as she ground her hips in deep, then went still, forcing Diego to go completely limp. She was groaning and panting into Diego’s ear, and it took Diego’s foggy brain a while to catch up.

“Did you just… come?” Diego wasn’t sure what to make of that. Could someone come from using a strap on? It wasn’t like it was a real cock, so how was it getting her off in the first place?

“Diego, you sweet idiot,” Klaus said, and she twisted her thumb and swiveled her hips and ground down on Diego’s clit, all in one goddamn move, and that wasn’t fair, how could Klaus be so _coordinated_ at a time like this? “This dildo has a base. A base which is up against my clit. It’s getting me off.” She gave another swivel, and Diego made a broken noise. “Come for me, Diego,” Klaus said. Her breath smelled like cigarettes, and like herself. Her thumb flexed inside of Diego’s ass. “You’re gonna be jerking off to this all guilty in like a week, so make it a good orgasm, c’mon, be a good girl for me.”

And Diego… came. She didn’t mean to. She almost _resented_ it, as her various muscles began to tense up and pulse, the pleasure crashing down on her. She didn’t like the way that Klaus was laughing, either, didn’t want Klaus laughing at her while she was coming, didn't want Klaus laughing at her in general. She'd make Klaus pay for it, when she could use her legs again.

"You're cute when you're fucked out," Klaus said, and she kissed Diego behind the ear, loud enough to make Diego's ear ring. "We should do this more often, sis."

"You're such a sicko," Diego said, and her cunt spasmed around the toy. There were tears dripping down her face, sticky and hot.

"Like you're not up for another round," Klaus said, and she gave another hip wriggle, her long tongue hot and wet against Diego’s cheek. She must have been tasting Diego’s tears, and Diego wasn’t sure if that was hot or not, but her cunt sure liked it. 

"... I mean," said Diego, when she should have said "no."

"You mean?" The dildo was still inside of Diego, and Klaus's finger was still on her clit. Diego was still wet, and her cunt gave another throb. 

"Not here," Diego said, which she shouldn't have but… fuck it.

Klaus's grin against her cheek was wide and toothy, and it just made Diego's stomach knot up more.


End file.
